Favorite Albums of the 2000’s: 90 – 81

To prep for this list I re-re-re-listened to all of these albums, some all the way, some just skipping through to reacquaint myself with the music. I could have done this forever and reordered this list into oblivion. But you have to stop yourself at some point at admit when you’re beat. Plus, this list would look really stupid if I posted it in June.

Albums 100 – 91

90.  Slipknot – Vol. 3: The Subliminal Verses (2004)

Slipknot by definition are dumb. Heavy metal guys in ridiculous horror show masks trying to scare your parents. This is not something I will fight or debate. But those first two albums showed hints of promise. A singer who could actually sing, a tendency to write hooks and hey, they kinda rocked in spite of all the theatrics. Rick Rubin turned out to be the guy who could rein these maniacs in and say “Let’s focus on good songs, you guys. You don’t need to get graphic, let’s focus on just rocking faces, let in a little subtlety, it might be fun.” I’m guessing that’s what Rubin said. Whatever that dude did, it worked. Clean, crisp production so you can hear every note and instrument, songs and subject matter that’s a touch more nuanced than “THE PAIN THE PAIN YOUR PAIN!”, and hey, still rocks faces. Good job, Rick Rubin. (This will be Rick Rubin’s last good work as of press time. Dude is responsible for this, this, and THIS.)

89.  Eagles of Death Metal – Peace Love and Death Metal (2004)

Funny story: While re-listening to this album for this list, Rachel deemed herself OVER Eagles of Death Metal and she never wanted to hear them ever again. She got over it, but it still cracked me up. Peace Love and Death Metal is riff city, population sleazy come-on’s. Jesse Hughes was just figuring out how to do this rock n roll thing on this one, but he was a quick learner. The production is a bit thin at times but the tunes are never less than solid and honest to the rock ethos of ladies, ladies, ladies.

88.  The White Stripes – Elephant (2003)

My old roommate McCarty played “Seven Nation Army” for me the first time, screaming “Bass! This song has bass!”, the whole time. He played it on a loop right up until the release of Elephant, which didn’t change the world with additional “Bass!” but had more great songs from The White Stripes. I can’t emphasize how important this record seemed at the time of its release. I feel like it means less than a lot of people wanted it to mean. I just hear a great rock record, which I guess is all someone should hope for from these guys.

87.  The Rapture – Echoes (2003)

I wrote a review of Echoes for my college newspaper upon its time of release. I gave it 3 stars(out of 4) saying that I wished that it had more songs like “House of Jealous Lovers“. I mean, it has other great songs on it, but can you blame me? I was so young. In my old age I’ve come to appreciate “Olio” and “I Need Your Love” for the classics they are. But “House of Jealous Lovers” is still the shit.

86.  Lillix – Inside The Hollow (2006)

If you head to my Last.Fm page, you’ll see that Lillix is my sixth most listened to band. This is because of this album, which I could not stop listening to. I listened to it when I would work out, I listened to it before I went to bed, I listened to it so much yet I never got sick of it. Clearly. Inside The Hollow is a pop rock record, a little angsty and hung up on girl issues like bad boyfriends and that is fine. The songs are irresistible. It sounds like the kind of pop rock that Max Martin is going for when he crafts a “Since You’ve Been Gone”, but for a whole album. Shockingly, this never received an American release. Our loss(well not mine, I’ve heard it. Obviously).

85.  Passion Pit – Manners (2009)

Happy songs about sad things. That is Manners in a nutshell. Sometimes I can’t tell if Passion Pit are being optimistic or just putting on a brave face, but the enthusiasm is contagious. Also, they’ve clearly taken Justice’s lead on the whole child choir thing. Never thought that would be a source of quality music, but what do I know?

84.  Radiohead – Amnesiac (2001)

Remember when people dismissed this album as Kid A b-sides? Silly people. Get this: Amnesiac is awesome. “Pyramid Song“, “Knives Out“, “I Might Be Wrong“; this a Radiohead Hit Parade, people! What is also crazy is how listenable all those “experimental” tracks sound these days, turns out they are great too. Don’t sleep on Amnesiac.

83.  The Icarus Line – Penance Soiree (2004)

Listening to Penance Soiree, I cannot tell if these slithery bass-lines and screaming guitars are come-on’s or threats. On the one hand, when Joe Cardamone is asking you to “take off all your clothes”, that appears to be self-explanatory. And song titles like “Virgin Velcro” carry their sordid message right out the gate. But you consider opener “Up Against The Wall Motherfuckers“, which stutters awake like some long slumbering creature hungry for your soul, fear appears to be the logical option. So, let’s agree be frightened but a little aroused at the same time.

82.  Ben Folds – Rockin’ The Suburbs (2001)

Rockin’ The Suburbs is enjoyable simply because when you cut through his bullshit, Ben Folds can write some doozys. Rockin’ has more than its share; “Annie Waits“, “Zak and Sara“, “Fired“, “Not The Same“; classics all. He should make another album like this. One that is short on the bitterness and long on the fun.

81.  Mastodon – Leviathan (2004)

Mastodon crush. They craft these technical, intricate songs that are just metal massacres. Y’know when someone says, “These guys are the real deal”? Mastodon are the guys, and Leviathan is the real deal. Not to mention it is inspired by Moby Dick. Looks like we got ourselves some readers.

Favorite Albums of the 2000’s: 100 – 91

When Pitchfork first announced their intention to rank the best singles and albums of the last decade I expressed admiration towards their efforts to attempt to complete such a herculean task. When they actually posted the lists, I realized that I just had to do one of my own because I couldn’t believe how low they ranked The Black Album. It took me awhile and I almost gave up a few times, but nobody likes a quitter. Embarking on my own journey through the last ten years of songs and full lengths, memories and stories flooded back. I’m not saying every album has a story attached to it that I’m going to tell you about, but more than a few gave me the ol’ warm fuzzies. I started with a list of around 150 albums and just snipped and prodded it down to a still massive 100. 100 albums that shaped me or just made me happy. Albums I sought to share with others and others shared with me.

100.Phoenix – United (2000)

“Too Young” was my going out Jam with a capital J in the winter and spring of 2004. First discovering it via the Lost In Translation soundtrack, I was thrown by the unbridled joy and that chorus where “…everybody’s dancing’”. The rest of United is just as joyful, where even the sad songs are actually fun, Thomas Mars barely able to keep a smile off his face. For a debut United isn’t tied down to a singular sound as Phoenix take dips in faster guitar rock(“Party Time”) and whatever the heck “Funky Squaredance” is. While I agree that they’ve expanded their sound on later records, United is so much more than a rough draft. It is a declaration of fun to come.

99.  Hot Hot Heat – Make Up The Breakdown (2002)

When I worked in at my college radio station, we were deluged with literal mountains of promo CDs. This is not surprising or unique. What was surprising and unique were the rare times a randomly grabbed CD (literally) pulled from the bottom of a teetering stack of jewel cases would not only catch your ear but have you grabbing people aside to play it for them. Make Up The Breakdown was discovered just like that, a random choice from a random pile of categorized albums that would later either be tossed or lazily marked “Alternative”. Catchy is the first word that comes to mind when talking about MUTB, jam-packed with hooks, sharp riffs and angular guitars back when people liked that sort of thing. Moving at a quick clip (31.9 minutes according to iTunes) Hot Hot Heat don’t waste any time, moving breathlessly from dance anthem to dance rocker and back again. The lead singer has one of those “Is this annoying? I’m not sure yet” voices that actually could be annoying but the music is so good you never really care if it is or not. I think the later albums affirm that it is annoying, but those albums suck so there you go.

98.  Nine Inch Nails – Year Zero (2007)

I can fully attest that for about two years I would swear up and down that this album wasn’t very good. I liked a couple songs but “something feels off”. I used to blame the drum sound, but I’d always head back and realize that that wasn’t the case. The drum sound is actually pretty awesome. But I always came back, threw it on again trying to figure out why it wasn’t clicking with me. When I began making this list I didn’t initially consider it because, well, I had already officially told people I didn’t like it. But why was I listening to it so much, even more than records I actually attested to like, such as those last couple Morrissey albums? I mean, Morrissey is arguably as big if not a bigger downer than Trent Reznor. Well, when I was giving this a listen a few weeks ago, not even considering it for this list the fucker cracked me in half. Right then I understood it all and Year Zero understood me. We were one and the universe moved in sync with our movements. Then I went to bed without writing anything down and here it is at #98.

97.  John Mayer – Room For Squares (2001)

John Mayer isn’t very likable now. On Room For Squares however, Mayer is empathetic and self-deprecating; witty and wistful.  The subject matter of awkward dates, childhood nostalgia, and the pressure of going out into the world as an adult and proving yourself are all topics that in the right hands can’t be anything less than appealing. I’ve been struggling to think of how to describe the music. Spare for the right moments and never overproduced, Room For Squares tends toward a sound I’ll call attractive and familiar. Plenty of tracks have an old familiarity to them, sounding less like original works and more like old standards passed down. The most important feature of the album is that John Mayer comes across as a guy still figuring it all out, making mistakes and trying to just be a better person. Jeez, how did that turn out?

96.  Cody ChestnuTT – The Headphone Masterpiece (2002)

Cody ChestnuTT is a guy who can do anything. That appears to be the main subject of The Headphone Masterpiece. ChestnuTT jumping from style to style, genre to genre proving not only that he can do r&b/rock/soul, he can do it well. At two discs, The Headphone Masterpiece is bloated; bloated with ideas, jokes, riffs, garbage, misogyny, apologies, family, and more than few mentions to ChestnuTT’s sexual prowess. It’s also very funny, catchy and frankly a goddamn masterpiece. All of ChestnuTT’s contradictions just make him more appealing and his decision to record the whole thing on a 4-track sounds like a dare that he won.

95.  Deftones – Deftones (2003)

The culmination of their career at that point, Deftones’ self-titled album is the band at the peak of their abilities, finally achieving what previous efforts had only hinted at. The ambient tracks that Chino always forces the band to put on their albums tend to be the weak moments(see Saturday Night Wrist) but on Deftones those tracks shine. Of course, no one who listens to Deftones is there for those slow moments, they want the throat scorching fury. “When Girls Telephone Boys” might be Deftones most blazing moment on record, while “Bloody Cape” possesses their most indelible riff and shrillest finale. A compliment. Considering their tendency to be heaped into the nu-metal category, Deftones is a defiant embrace of hard rock, metal and punk influences. Definitely a good look.

94.  Spank Rock – Yoyoyoyoyo (2006)

The beats make the difference between a wack track and a banger. You could be the dopest, freshest, wittiest, most energetic MC in the game, but if your beats suck, you suck. You could also be a pretty mediocre rapper and ride out to fame on some hot tracks. Those are just facts. The rhymes on Yoyoyoyoyo are largely focused on the familiar hiphop tropes of women and fame, but they hang over such innovative musical beds. Producer XXXChange isn’t exactly a genius but he’s certainly a master of making the best of a small budget(so I’ve read of this album’s creation). XXXChange doesn’t take any shortcuts to repeat himself so every track is a new idea. Be it the funk guitar and 60’s girl group vocals evoked on “Sweet Talk” or the video game sfx on “Rick Rubin”, XXXChange is seemingly a master of all styles. The mind reels of what he could do with a Kanye budget.

93.  Love Is All – Nine Times That Same Song (2005)

I just love these bands full of energy and enthusiasm, writing songs about songs, and also songs about keeping people’s bodies in freezers. Is it bad that I’ve listened to this album a ton of times, know it’s songs extremely well but only can tell you it’s peppy, fun, and catchy?

92.  Clipse – We Got It 4 Cheap, Volume 2 (2005)

Pretty much the greatest mixtape ever. If you’ve heard better, don’t shame me, educate me. In the meantime, goddamn. The Clipse have a swagger and attitude that is the epitome of cockiness. While their sales might not echo it, Clipse are kinda the best, so this attitude makes sense. On this mixtape they rap over plenty of top shelf beats including “Daytona 500″ and “Hate It Or Love It” and murder it all over the goddamn place. It’s seriously disgusting how good they are, and criminal how ignored they’ve become commercially.

91.  The Twilight Singers – Blackberry Belle (2003)

Greg Dulli is a indie rock god. He wrote Gentleman, he wrote “Uptown Again”; his legacy is written. Yet Blackberry Belle is arguably one of his finest works. A tribute to deceased friend Ted Demme, Blackberry Belle is as dark as any mid career Afghan Whigs album, but often quieter and more somber than the Whigs ever were. When Dulli suggests we “black out the windows/it’s party time” we know we’re in for some melancholy vibes. Yet tracks like “Teenage Wristband” evoke a sense of rebellion and nostalgia that is one could almost confuse with “fun”. Easily the least obvious eulogy for the creator of Yo! MTV Raps.

The Best Music of 2009: Singles

It’s my birthday today which means I can do whatever I want. Look it up, it’s the Law. Keeping within the rules of law, I’ve decided to extend my look back at the year that was, 2009 if you don’t remember. Since we’ve already focused on the best albums, let’s focus on single tracks, specifically those not on the best albums. That would be redundant.

Song of the Year: “Gangsta Luv” by Snoop Dogg featuring The-Dream

The-Dream’s hook and chorus on this track is straight butter. I want to build a house there for parties and get togethers. This song isn’t really gangsta at all, except for when Snoop comments on “the butt”. Another impressive addition to the Tricky Stewart/The-Dream production resume (“Single Ladies”, “Umbrella”), “Gangsta Luv” is the sort of party anthem I live for. For additional party jamming, see The-Dream’s “Rocking That Shit“.

Bait and Switch of the Year: “Die Slow” by HEALTH

“Die Slow” was the first single of Get Color, HEALTH’s second record. The band had just come off a stint opening for Nine Inch Nails and the tease before release was that HEALTH were getting ready to go big. “Die Slow” appeared to make these rumors truth with a wicked riff that was almost catchy. Also, it was fucking awesome. It still thrashed like HEALTH is known to, but it sounded like a Song. Cut to the release of Get Color last September, and we’re greeted by the accompanying tracks of noise and thrashing, but not much in the area of songs. While the rest of the record sank, “Die Slow” still rocked faces.

Dance Track to Make Your Floor Ignite: “Beep My Beep” by Addeboy vs Cliff

The stylistic decision to use intentional censoring to make something dirtier is nothing new. Addeboy and Cliff use the bleeps at the chorus to make the song as sick as you want it to be, while also providing the most energetic dance beats of the year. As a stunt it works perfectly and it can never be done again, but at least someone did it right.

Too Catchy to Deny: “I Could Break Your Heart Any Day of the Week” by Mandy Moore

I listened to this song over and over again. For a few weeks I couldn’t get enough of it. The simple keyboard line, Moore’s sorta angry delivery, it hit all my sweet spots. I also like how it sounds like a weird unplugged version of your standard pop song, but not overproduced to hell. Sorry Lady Gaga.

Shoulda Been a Hit: “Why R U” by Amerie

Amerie’s last record, Because I Love It never received a stateside release, unfortunate for a such a good album. “Why R U” signaled Amerie’s proper return to U.S. store shelves and had all the gusto and sass that made her last record such a favorite. That it didn’t catch on with the larger listening public is both a mystery and a shame.

Dude Can Write A Hook: “Ready For The Weekend” by Calvin Harris

Calvin Harris is a better producer than he is a singer and performer. His hazy line readings never appear very sincere, and when he does try to emote it can be pretty embarrassing. But this guy and beats? Gedouttahere. “Ready For The Weekend” starts with a plinky piano line and the expected Harris lumpy lyrics before exploding in its chorus. Really, it reminds me of that really good Freemason’s album from a few years back that was just gay anthems for 12 songs in a row. Calvin’s song isn’t that “to the windows/to the walls” but maybe in a couple years. I just read on Twitter he wrote a song with Kylie and Jake Shears. Kid is on the right track.

Forever The Kings: “Raindrops” by Basement Jaxx

So Scars wasn’t exactly a return to form, we still got “Raindrops” out of the deal. Basement Jaxx are responsible for some of the most jawdropping dance tracks of my lifetime(“Good Luck”, “Romeo”, “Lucky Star”, “Plug It In”) and “Raindrops” is another worthy addition to the canon. All of Basement Jaxx’s best tracks contain some sort of flip your wig moment, usually at the chorus, but with these guys you never know. “Raindrops” goes euphoric for its big moment and never comes back down.

Real Talk: “Echo” by R. Kelly, “Pregnant” by R.Kelly

Michelangelo Matos recently penned a list of Ten Unfortunate Developments of the ’00s. One of those developments was white R. Kelly fans who found Mr. Kelly as more of a source for ironic amusement than actually liking him for his music. I guess I’m one of those people, but looking over his discography I’m not really sure there is any other way to listen to him. Dude is crazy and it is hilarious. I’ve heard “regular” contemporary r&b. Boring. But I’ll listen to anything R. Kelly does at least once, because it might be a song that also doubles as voicemail message. Or a song about doing two chicks at the same time. In the case of “Echo”,  Kells yodels and makes it sound like the most natural thing in the world, while on “Pregnant” he opens the song with the line “Girl you make me wanna get you pregnant”. Love it. That Kelly then invites a couple other crooners on to also opine on getting someone pregnant just ups the crazy hilarity. If liking crazy R. Kelly is a crime then send me to jail.

Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop: “Kiss of Life” by Friendly Fires

Friendly Fires had the best album of 2008. True story, you can look it up. This track just proves that album was no fluke, and that not only will Friendly Fires continue to bring it, but they’ll bring it while doing something new.

Anthem of a Generation: “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell” by Das Racist & Wallpaper

Stupid catchy. Catchy and stupid. I think someone somewhere described this song as the Sideshow Bob Rake Sequence but in song form. Perfect.

Two Great Tastes Taste Great Together: “Anyway” by Duck Sauce

Armand Van Helden and A-Trak got together to make some tracks. This was the first one out the gate. These guys need to hang out all the time. Which according to A-Trak’s Twitter account they actually do. When my friends and I hang out we just bullshit and watch movies.

Comeback of the Year: “I Know I’m A King” – Lo Fidelity Allstars

Nobody really noticed but Lo Fidelity Allstars came back with a really good album last year. “I Know I’m A King” is Lo Fi at their funky best and it would be a shame if I were the only one who heard it.

BEATS BEATS BEATS: Every LMFAO remix- “Paranoid”, “Let’s Get Crazy”, “Love Lockdown”, “Shooting Star”

Speechless.

The Best Music of 2009

I’m sorry for not posting anything since October. The blame lays on a brutal combination of working retail and being lazy and just reading Videogum when I got home. But it’s 2010, a new decade, a new beginning. So let’s do this right and begin the first Bad Guys Win post of 2010 talking about stuff from last year. Perfect.

When I told my friend Lauren that my best albums list had only ten albums on it she remarked that 2009 had been “a slow year”. She was being too kind. 2009 was disappointing for plenty of reasons, as most of the big records sucked and the bands that got buzz either were or sound like Animal Collective. A list of ten great albums is damn miraculous.

10. Them Crooked Vultures – Them Crooked Vultures

Josh Homme is a goddamn rock god. This is just front to back badass riffs, backed by Dave Grohl and a very spry John Paul Jones. I can hear the Jones influence, but the Homme sound is undeniable. More than just a record to tide me over until the next Queens album.

9. Japandroids – Post-nothing

Canadian duo with a singing drummer. Where have I heard that one before? An obvious avenue for success, Japandroids make sweaty sounding music with tons and tons of passion. “Young Hearts Spark Fire” is one of those singles that makes you want to run out and buy the band’s album right away. When the guys talk about taking time to “french kiss some french girls”, you smile and realize they’re a band with their priorities straight.

8. Raekwon – Only Built For Cuban Linx Pt. II

What are we calling this? The Godfather Pt. 2 of rap albums? Not to blaspheme, but I think it blows the original out of the water. Now if Rae could only make an album that’s any good that doesn’t reference his debut. Props to Ghostface, because he’s Ghostface and he kills it all over this record.

7. LMFAO – Party Rock

The beats on this record are sick. The raps are dumb, no, I take that back. The raps are amazingly dumb. That’s why they’re so great. When artists describe their album as a “party album” it is always a lie because the album will inevitably feature one of the following: a ballad, a hard street track, or worse, an ode to a fallen friend or loved one. Those can be great, but not for a P-A-R-T-Y! LMFAO go 14 tracks of party time music. This might not be your thing. I can respect that. But be aware that if you want to have a party, the word “party” is in the damn title. Truth in advertising, rarely done so well. “I’m In Miami, Bitch” is already classic status while “I Don’t Wanna Be” rides the sickest damn beat on the record. Well, that’s debate-able. Seriously, these beats.

6. Mastodon – Crack the Skye

A kid at work told me he’d heard Mastodon had sold out. The 13 minutes of “The Last Baron” say otherwise. Brendan O’Brien is no hack producer and any slickness on the production is overshadowed by the killer riffs and intricate playing that Mastodon is known for. If you don’t like Crack The Skye you’re just trying to be a dick. Quit it.

5. Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix has three of the best Phoenix songs right up front. “Lisztomania”, “1901″, and “Fences” are Phoenix at their best. Man, those are great fucking songs. And the rest of the album is really good. Really good. But those first three songs are almost too good. Like, you listen to the rest of the album and think “Hey, these are good songs, don’t get me wrong. But ‘1901′? Getdufuckouttahere!” Am I making any sense?

4. DJ Quik and Kurupt – BlaQKout

Sick. Nasty. Fuckin’ ‘ell. Any and all of these words apply when talking about BlaQKout. DJ Quik and Kurupt rap about hoes, bitches, being awesome and all those other rap cliches from the 90’s, over the smoothest and sharpest throwback production I’ve ever heard. This is the kind of rap album you can play front to back, no bullshit just hilarious ignorant rhymes on top of the type of beats Jay-Z should have had on the Blueprint 3.

3. The Bloody Beetroots – Romborama

My friend Lauren described this as “horror movie dance music”. Apt. The last of the class of ‘06 to drop an album, I figured after MSTRKRFT, Justice and Simian Mobile Disco, The Bloody Beetroots would sound past their sell date when Romborama finally saw the light of day. Instead, they delivered 20 straight bangers. And this shit is hard, son. Distorted screaming vocals, blown speaker beats; basically my dream album. Romborama could be categorized as a party record, but you’d have to leave early on account of the house burning down. Real talk.

2. MSTRKRFT – Fist of God

No lie, before Fist of God, MSTRKRFT seemed like a second rate Justice. They had the skills, but not the tunes. Fist of God is, to steal from Jimmy Cameron, a game changer. Al and Jesse go hard and fierce right from the start, sear your face off and then things get interesting. “Heartbreaker” feels less and less like a breather and more like a new direction every time I hear it, and that it’s followed by the title track is just great sequencing. No shit, sometimes “Fist Of God” literally takes my breath away. It’s perfect. That Lauren and I got to meet Jesse and Al and they turned out to be awesome people just made cosmic sense. An asshole could never make a song like “It Ain’t Love”.(Editor’s Note: Meeting Jesse and Al had no baring on the placement of this album)

1. Passion Pit – Manners

I don’t know why the cover art is so boring for this album because Manners sounds like the creation of an exuberant young man with boundless energy, access to a children’s choir and lots and lots of ideas. He might be a little sad sometimes (hey, who isn’t?); the music is how we can all feel better. Songs like “The Reeling” are melancholy in subject but joyous in execution. I’ve read that some people hate this album. To them I ask, what is it like to be cold inside? Kick any puppies today? Aww, hell. I can’t stay mad, this album is too fun. Is it possible to be too fun? Ask Passion Pit.

Spurred on by the world

Motivated by Pitchfork’s end of the decade lists and various other blogs devoted to counting down their favorite songs, albums, movies, and dance moves of the last ten years, Bad Guys Win will begin posting it’s list of the 100 Best Albums of the 2000’s. I’ve read a couple blogs that outline a criteria for their choices, talking about subjectivity versus objectivity and plenty other bullshit that sounds like someone covering their ass before they list off how much they love slow murder ballads and “Frontin’”. Own your shit. That’s what I plan to do. My list will consist of the one hundred albums I liked the most that came out between 2000 and the present. Albums I love that have good songs. That was my criteria. If you find as the list unfolds that you do not agree with all my choices and their placement on said list, remember that you are not me, I am not you, we are all unique individuals. Also, you are wrong, at least from my perspective. Feel free to disagree and make your own list, I would love to read it. Even if it makes me crazy. That’s what happened when I read the Complex Magazine list. I think their criteria was “Have it in by 5pm”.

Jennifer’s Body- Megan Fox throws up in your kitchen.

Jennifer’s Body features the equally lusted after and loathed Megan Fox as the title character, your typical mean girl of loose morals, taking a condescending tone towards friends and enemies equally. It’s a role perfect for Megan Fox, which is just sad and also not very impressive. It might also explain the lack of box office. Why pay to see Megan Fox be an asshole; just watch any of her interviews or read an article about her. What would have been more impressive? Megan Fox playing against type as a kind, good hearted person. You know, acting. At the very least it would have been interesting. Not to say that Jennifer’s Body is a woeful piece of shit. Nah. It is pretty mediocre though. The problem is that no one involved is working hard enough to transcend the genre’s they are inhabiting. A biting high school satire would have been neat. A twist on the horror genre? I love those! Whoops. The script is the main culprit with some terrible dialogue and a framing device that only works to drain the film of tension.

The plot revolves around Jennifer and her friend Needy(I know!) played by Amanda Seyfried. Needy is just that, a wallflower who hangs around Jennifer because Jennifer is cool and hot and all that. I was going to mention that Jennifer talks like a fucking idiot but so many of the characters do. Needy’s boyfriend Chip(I KNOW!) is a more levelheaded character who points out that Jennifer is an idiot and talks like an illiterate fool, but as my pal Justin has mentioned, when you have your characters pointing out how terrible your movie is inside your movie, your movie is still terrible. Am I supposed to take Chip’s observations as Diablo Cody’s attempts to play down her shitty writing? You know how you deal with bad writing? Write better. I’m sure someone important said that, and I apologize for not properly citing them. Where was I? Oh yeah, the plot of Jennifer’s Body. Jennifer and Needy head to the only bar in their small town of Devil’s Kettle to see the band Low Shoulder. As luck would have it, the venue explodes in flames due to faulty wiring and most of the viewing audience is engulfed in flames. Needy and Jennifer escape as well as the members of Low Shoulder. Nikolai Wolf, Low Shoulder’s frontman(charmingly portrayed by Adam Brody) invites Jennifer into his band’s van. Needy warns against this, Jennifer doesn’t listen and goes anyway. Except then she looks afraid right as the van doors close. Jennifer suddenly reappears at Needy’s home later in the evening, covered in blood and vomiting black slime, then vanishing just as quickly. The next day at school, Jennifer is in class looking fine and dandy and Needy is understandably shocked and surprised. Come to find out, Jennifer is now a flesh eating monster, thanks to a botched virgin sacrifice to Satan, performed on Jen by Low Shoulder. The sacrifice didn’t quite work, on account of Jennifer not being a virgin.

That’s isn’t a terrible set up for a horror flick, but the filmmakers don’t have much interest in making a scary film. All of Jennifer’s kills are rather blah, though the visual of Megan Fox slurping blood out of man’s open chest cavity has a slight “anything for a check” vibe. Worse, the too-clever-for-it’s-own-good script keeps getting in the way of any dramatic moments, be it between Needy and Chip, Chip and his mother, or between Needy and Jennifer during the climactic scenes. Here are two characters fighting for their lives and trading quips like dueling comedians. These are both excellent examples of how to make your conflict appear meaningless and giving your audience an excuse to leave early. But y’know, I might not have minded the one liners if they weren’t so clunky and obtrusive. Diablo Cody certainly writes in a stylized fashion, but unlike various other writers in film and television, her characters tend to converse in a made up code of English where words tend to mutate into un-meaning. For example, using “salty” as a descriptive for someone who is attractive doesn’t make sense, as “salty” is never used in a positive sense. If I refer to something as “salty”, I’ve had a negative, or at least less than positive response to it. Plus, “salty” is a description that is associated with a taste or an attitude, and having a “salty” demeanor is not a compliment. Using “salty” as a description for a attractive physical appearance makes even less sense. Every time Jennifer used her “salty” descriptor I wished for Regina George to bust onto the screen and tell Jen that “salty” was never going to catch on and to shut up about it already. Of course, Jennifer would go full monster and eat Regina, “because (she) goes both ways.” Hardy har. If Cody is attempting to tell us that Jennifer is using “salty” incorrectly because Jennifer is stupid, she has failed because everyone in this movie is stupid. It is possible to inject fear and dread into a horror film while maintaining a comedic edge AND still getting an audience to care about the characters. Hell, they managed to do it twice.

Jennifer’s Body is a horror movie without any scares and a teen comedy without many jokes.  From what I read on the day of the film’s release, Jennifer’s Body is an important film to many of the principals involved. It is Diablo Cody’s first film script since winning her Oscar for Juno, and it is Megan Fox’s first headlining role. After the film tanked, I read that it wasn’t actually that important, and that neither party will feel any particular sting. So good for them. Diablo Cody’s next project is a film based off the Sweet Valley High series of books. I’m sure it will be packed with characters explaining why they find one another “sour patch” and turning down prom invitations with a sharp “American I’d rather not”.

Torture or Treat- Sex and Lucía

Bad Guys Win takes your recommendation and decides whether it is Torture or a Treat.

Well, this was a convoluted mind fuck. Fantasy meets reality and bends back to right itself(fix itself?) in Sex and Lucía, a Spanish film with a lot going on, but not all of it mattering. Or maybe none of it does. While the film plays fast and loose with the idea of fiction and fact, I had a hard time believing a person could become a successful author and not be able to type without pecking at the keyboard, looking at the keys, and talking aloud as they wrote.

The story goes that Lucía is in love with a novelist whose work so touched her that she began stalking him. Emboldened one day, she tells him all this, and adds that they should move in together and fall in love. Considering that Lucía is played by Paz Vega, the writer thinks this is a pretty great idea and leaves with her immediately, blowing off his friend with nothing more than a point and a wave. This guy has completely forgotten bros before hoes. However, since the writer looks like this, he probably figured that his luck wouldn’t get any better. Returning to his apartment, Lucía and the writer, Lorenzo, engage in various sex games and some acrobatic intercourse. Soon enough, they’re doing stripteases for each other, taking Polaroids of themselves during penetration, and Lucía is taking off her panties and throwing them in Lorenzo’s face as they sit at an outdoor cafe. Lorenzo has hit the jackpot and is now inspired to peck away at his new novel, which until meeting Lucía, had been blocked. Lorenzo gives the finished work to Lucía and she thinks it’s…whatever. Lorenzo is crushed.

But hey, Lucía doesn’t care that the book isn’t that good. She loves Lorenzo, throws him a birthday party and keeps making “let’s fuck” eyes at him all the time. Plus she has a job of her own, so she’s a productive member of society. I think this is what your dad would call “a keeper”. In any case, Lorenzo’s buddy/editor Pepe, who looks even stranger than Lorenzo, has found out that one of Lorenzo’s one night stands has had a child by him and is living nearby. Yes, previous to meeting Lucía, Lorenzo met and banged a woman while on an island vacation. How good was the sex? Why, this woman proclaimed it “The fuck of her life”. Lorenzo, a piece of work. After their underwater coitus, Lorenzo refused to tell the woman his real name or anything about himself at all, except that it was his birthday. Lorenzo is a classy dude. Turns out Lorenzo isn’t just a great lay, he’s also extremely fertile. Like any good standing person, Lorenzo tracks down his abandoned child to a nearby playground, where he befriends his daughter’s caretaker. Wait, did I say befriend? Maybe that was Lorenzo’s intention in order to meet his child, but this chick is ready to go. That’s right, Lorenzo can’t go anywhere without a woman getting all up in his jock. Who wrote this? Lorenzo? (Kinda.)

At this point, I’d found myself fed up with Lorenzo but curious to see where all these disparate threads would lead. Sadly, they led nowhere. After meeting the caretaker, Lorenzo starts detailing their conversations into a new novel that Lucía secretly reads on his computer after he goes to bed. The film starts playing fast and loose(r) with the timelines at this point, and it becomes unclear what is actually happening. Which leads to a finale that insinuates that none of it happened(I think).

In the meantime, we are treated to a bevy of beautiful women disrobing for Lorenzo yet never judging him. By the films end, Lorenzo appeared to be responsible for child abandonment, infidelity, undue psychological stress leading to suicide, the death of a child; all the while Lorenzo is treated like some great catch and actually forgiven for this shit. Plus his hair is a bird.

Sex and Lucía’s greatest crime is having none of its events have any consequences. This film literally ends with tears and hugs, when it should really end with a punch and a kick. I was actually reminded of Jon Hamm’s character on 30 Rock, a man who lives in a bubble due to his good looks. Lorenzo doesn’t look anything like Hamm(obviously) yet women can’t stay away from him and never hold him accountable for any of his dickish behavior.

Despite copious amounts of sex and nudity and charming performances from Paz Vega and Elena Anaya, Sex and Lucía is Torture.

Lorenzo's "O Face"

Do you have recommendation for Torture or Treat? Leave it in the comments.

Backspacer by Pearl Jam – Going through the motions

Pearl Jam used to be kings. They ruled the musical landscape and they did it by doing their own thing. No music videos, a fight with Ticketmaster, Pearl Jam were a band with an agenda, a group of guys who became giant stars pretty much by accident and never seemed to be interested in being stars. Look at their actions all through the 90’s, this was not a band with an interest in going with the flow and doing what was expected. And people loved them for it. When they did a tossed off cover of “Last Kiss” it became a radio staple. In the early part of this decade, Pearl Jam found themselves less popular but holding on to a devoted fan base that hung on every album track, b-side, and bootleg. But someone somewhere must have charged into a room and scolded the band. “You used to be the biggest in the world, now you’re just another niche group. Play to the cheap seats!” This would explain Pearl Jam’s self titled record in 2006. “Pearl Jam’s return to Rock”, I recall Rolling Stone crowing. Loud, angry songs with titles like “World Wide Suicide”, delivered by Eddie Vedder with the old familiar yarl. It was a goddamn snooze, pandering to the listeners and radio programmers who had lost interest in Pearl Jam’s later career choices. Which brings us to Pearl Jam’s just released Backspacer. The pandering dullness continues.

If Pearl Jam has recorded a more benign set of songs, I’d be very surprised. This is the sound of a band cashing a check, nothing more. The opening four tracks are the saddest examples of “Rock by Pearl Jam” that I’ve ever heard. Completely unmemorable but good enough for cleaning out your garage on a Saturday. Play these songs for the uninitiated and they’ll remark,

“Pearl Jam?”

“Yup.”

“Yeah, this sounds like a Pearl Jam-type of song.”

Backspacer is an unabashed play to a mainstream that this band never appeared to have any interest in in the first place. I had always been under the impression that Pearl Jam could do whatever they wanted. Right now, what they want to do is phone it in. Beyond the bland opening four tracks, a few songs (“Amongst the Waves”, “Unthought Known”) are vaguely reminiscent of heyday Pearl Jam recordings, more so for certain sounds than in the song writing, which remains benign and largely hookless. That might be the worst part, since Pearl Jam made their name on some tremendous choruses (think “Evenflow” and “Alive”) yet on Backspacer only the general momentum of their earlier work is cited. Backspacer is hardly the worst record I’ve ever heard, but it’s easily forgettable. Pearl Jam might move some units with this one, but they haven’t added anything to their recording legacy.

The Blueprint 3 by Jay-Z. Real Talk.

I hold the opinion that there should be no such thing as a “bad” Jay-Z album. He’s the greatest rapper alive, he has access where others do not, how can he not keep dropping classics? The answer, most likely, is that Jay-Z is only human, and humans have been known to make mistakes. The Blueprint 3 is one such mistake.

I’m not sure why Jay-Z insisted on having a Blueprint trilogy. Sure the first one is a classic, but he already did this three album cycle shit back in the 90’s. And it’s not like The Blueprint 2 was screaming for a finale. I like that album fine, but the criticisms of a bloated nature are not at all out-of-bounds. Also it isn’t nearly as good as The Blueprint. That said, The Blueprint 3 is closer in relation both thematically and song-wise with Kingdom Come, which most people agree is Jay-Z’s worst album. The Blueprint 3 is better than that record, but only just so.

Let’s start with the beats, the bedrock of any great rap record. Jay-Z has long been fabled for his beat choices. Just see him suss out the beat for “What More Can I Say?” in the concert film Fade To Black*. It appears that much like on Kingdom Come, Jay has become less discerning in his tastes. Maybe Hov is just reading the labels and not really listening, but these Timbaland and Neptunes beats aren’t that hot. Timbaland’s “Reminder” might be one of the shittiest tracks he’s ever done that hasn’t appeared on Shock Value. The Neptunes’ beat for “So Ambitious” outdoes it with a weak shamble and a basis around video game sound effects. It sounds like it was sampled from the soundtrack to a The Legend of Zelda. Timbaland does a slightly better job on “Off That“, but the beat is all forward motion, no innovation. Did the guy blow his wad on FutureSex/LoveSounds? But when we’re talking about a failure of beats, the prize goes to “Young Forever“, Jay-Z’s attempt to get a foot in the door of the ever important high school senior class market. If this is any indication of Jay-Z’s next move, expect a freestyle over Toto’s “Africa” before his next album drops.

I’ve read plenty of criticism over the last few years since Kingdom Come that Jay-Z hasn’t really been bringing it lyrically and that his rhyming skills and flow are deteriorating. I had never agreed with this statement until hearing The Blueprint 3. Across the board, track for track, I don’t think Jay-Z delivers anything generally crazy, quotable, or with any sense of greater style. And the man’s only true competition is himself. Take a track like “Thank You“, which plays like a retread of The Black Album’s “Encore“. Jay starts out saying it’s a song for his fans, but then quickly flips it into another attack on his critics, equating them rather clumsily to September 11th, with a strained metaphor of crashing planes into buildings. The beat is nice, but we’re two tracks into the album and he’s evoking terrorist attacks against battle rappers he won’t even name. Not to mention that the first song is an attack on his critics as well. Listen, I’m well aware of the fact that most Jay-Z songs are about how he is awesome, his critics can kiss his ass, and so on. The problem is that Jay-Z used to make songs like this that made such statements self evident. “The Takeover” is a track that slams Nas, Mobb Deep and a slew of other rap competitors by actually being an amazing track built around stellar rhymes, rhyming, and an insane, heavy beat. Jay-Z was telling everyone they weren’t as great as him and proving it at the same time. With The Blueprint 3, Jay is just saying it, taking his top status for granted. He used to show us he was the greatest, now he can only tell us about it. When asked in an interview whether Kanye West out-rapped him on “Run This Town“, Jay-Z responded with a non-committal shrug and instructed the interviewer to compare his overall work to Kanye’s and ask him who was the best. Well sure, if we play it that way of course Jay-Z wins. His hits vastly outweigh his misses. But if he keeps whiffing like this he might just screw up his average.(“Run This Town” is still terrible, by the way. Mostly, it’s Rhianna’s yarl.)

Nice things to say? Sure. Swizz Beatz proves his worth on “On To The Next One” with a wicked beat that is proto typical Swizzy but still energetic. “D.O.A.” isn’t bad, like a second rate “Roc Boys“, which I guess isn’t much of a compliment. Oh well.

I’m a little confused on the theme of The Blueprint 3. The original Blueprint was Jay-Z throwing down the gauntlet and letting everyone know he was a force to be reckoned with. No guests except for Eminem, production from mostly Kanye and Just Blaze**; shit made sense. The Blueprint 2 was more of a victory lap, which is why it felt a bit lazy. Yet, there were some top flight beats and Jay had some sharp rhymes to go along with them. This third iteration seems to indicate, “I’m still here, I’m still great”? A good chunk of the running time is devoted to this plot point, when not denigrating haters and critics, with a occasional aside to reference women from his past (“Venus vs. Mars“) or pay respect to every commercially successful rap act to come up in the last twenty years (“A Star Is Born”). “A Star Is Born” is treacle bullshit, sharing a motif with “Empire State of Mind”, also on The Blueprint 3. On “Empire” Jay lists random New York City locations, while on “Star” he lists random rappers. “Empire” is a little better, and the tracks might even work in with better beats, but the verses are snared between a god awful choruses. The message of these two tracks is “I love New York, also various rappers. Group hug.”

The great irony is that this record clearly cost millions of dollars. Millions in marketing, millions for the beats and studio time, all in the service of what turns out to be a relatively mediocre product(“On To The Next One” notwithstanding). Yet, for significantly less money, Hov is outclassed, on the same release day mind you, by Raekwon’s Only Built For Cuban Linx…Pt. 2. Great beats, trenchant and evocative rhymes, plus passion. Jay would probably argue that if you stack up his career against Raekwon and a blah blah blah. Hey Jay, let’s stack up your pre-retirement career against your post. Real talk.

*Watching this clip still gives me goosebumps, followed by giddy elation. Do you see the guy make that face at the end of the clip, that “Holy shit, Hov is killing it” face? In the first verse of  “On To The Next One” Jay raps that if we don’t like his new albums, go listen to his old ones. Gladly.

**Just Blaze has been unjustly ignored by Hov of late. Just had to footnote that.

Gamer

I’m going to guess that the film company sat down with Neveldine and Taylor and asked them to make something “not so crazy”. So the guys gave them Gamer, which is just as wacked out as anything else they’ve done, but no one has public sex.  Crank and Crank: High Voltage play like untainted id pieces, where everything Neveldine and Taylor wanted to happen happened. Gamer is fairly conventional in comparison, yet still features a character named Rick Rape. You can’t rein these horses.

You might have heard that Gamer is a ripoff of The Running Man. Sure, fine. Steal from the best I always say. The twist is that this time people actually control the players. The game is called Slayers and it features death row inmates who are remotely controlled by players. Live action video game basically, with live ammo and all that. Michael C. Hall is Ken Castle, the creator of the game and its predecessor, Society. In both games, people control other people. In Slayers, you control a killer in a game of kill or be killed on the way to the checkpoint. In Society, you control a person and basically make them do whatever you want. Gerard Butler is Kable, the best player in Slayers and the closest to winning his 30 games to freedom. The plot features plenty of familiar elements that has put off some people, but I enjoyed Neveldine and Taylor’s various tweaks.

Those tweaks include but are not limited to; villains who break out into song and dance, a child services worker who can’t contain his laughter, jokes about Barbara Walters being dead, and a steadfast refusal to not have the camera positioned in any typical way. There is a touch of Bay-ian style here, but with too many details and entirely too much wit. I particularly enjoyed the character of Simon, Kable’s seventeen year old controller. Actually played by a seventeen year old, I’d like to engage in hyperbole and say he’s the most realistic teenage boy to ever appear in a film. His use of slang is pretty accurate, his choice of video games over sex is so very very true, and he’s kinda funny without being that funny.

Michael C. Hall steals the show as Ken Castle, a sort of good ol’ boy Bill Gates with a jocular demeanor that is a perfect accompaniment to his less than savory goals. He’s the kind of guy who’ll give you a big hug just to stab you in the back. For all the Pathology fans out there, many of its cast members have small roles in Gamer, most notably Milo Ventimiglia as the aforementioned Rick Rape. I gotta admit, it showed some range from a guy I figured had none.

I think some were expecting Neveldine and Taylor to rewrite the action movie template with this one, which is silly since they already did that twice already with the Crank franchise. Gamer is more of a lark, with Neveldine/Taylor indulging in their love of video games and getting a chance to blow up some cars. I’d like to guess what their next thing will be, but I couldn’t even begin to predict it. Well, except that it’ll be great.