McCarty didn’t like the new Fast & Furious movie.

A new Fast and Furious movie? Try to stop me. Just try.

I don’t know why I find Vin Diesel an appealing action star, I just kinda do. He’s built like a piece of ammunition, and seems to have been designed only for being in action movies. Which is why no one wants to see Vin Diesel in a drama. I heard Find Me Guilty was actually pretty good. But I didn’t see it. Because at no point does Vin shoot at a car and make it explode. Not only that, he has hair in that movie! Totally misses the point of Vin Diesel.

Fast & Furious is actually a prequel to The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift. We know this because some Asian guy in the beginning of the movie says, “Things are getting too hot here. I heard Tokyo is nice.” (beat) With that out of the way, this new F&F can stay comfortable, firmly lodged in the mythos, because whenever I talk to people about this series, which is with most people, most of the time, the first thing they bring up is the mythos. Eventually they talk about the cars. And Vin Diesel. No one talks about Paul Walker, but they know who he is. They’re just being polite is all. How are you supposed to make friends with people if they keep bringing up Paul Walker. It’s a recession, lady. Things are tough all over.

Justin Lin directed, and I wonder how he felt about that. After Better Luck Tomorrow, I don’t think anyone thought he’d follow up with Annapolis(James Franco prefers you forget that one) and F&F:Tokyo Drift. Clearly, he was the man for the job of rebooting the franchise (again), having proved he could work with fast cars and/or Jordana Brewster.

The plot is that Vin Diesel and Paul Walker drive modified cars real fast. There’s some drugs, and Michelle Rodriguez gets killed in a flashback 15 minutes into the movie. Spoy! Ler! Vin Diesel spends the rest of the film trying to kill the guy who killed Michelle, and he’s so determined that he repeatedly ignores the advances of this terrible model/actress. Dude has to stay on point. Can’t be playing around when Michelle Rodriguez needs avenging. This might also explain all the casual lezzing out by the various extras. See what happens when you take smoking out of movies? You force the background artists to resort to lipstick lesbianism. They just want attention, filmmakers.

So, what else is there? A couple of cool chases, Vin Diesel crushes a guy with his car, and lots of Garmin use. I’m finding I retained very little from this film, but I recall enjoying it while I watched it. But I do have one big qualm. At the end of the film, the courts decide that Vin Diesel must go to jail. He’s on the jail bus when three cars, one driven by Walker, one by Brewster, and one by a terrible Latino stereotype, swarm it. I get all set for a big rescue scene, and bam! credits. Lazy. Don’t set up something awesome like that, F&F. Also, I couldn’t help but wonder just how they were going to get Vin Diesel out of that bus. The only way I know is the blow it in half, Money Talks style. Now that was a movie.

My example starts at 4:20

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