Crank: High Voltage. Hyperbole can suck a dick.

The first time I saw Crank: High Voltage, I left the theater giddy and exhilarated. The second time I saw it, I was winded and
beaten. I’m pretty sure a third theatrical viewing would leave me an empty husk, swept up with the discarded popcorn bags after the screening. Crank:High Voltage is a film of great fury and ingenuity that it’s almost impossible to write about, like describing traveling at the speed of light. Which no one has ever done(that I know). Crank: High Voltage contains so many “they just fucking did that, can they do that?” moments it’s almost like having a genie grant you unlimited movie wishes. Besides it’s predecessor, Crank: High Voltage‘s closest film relatives are Army of Darkness and the last ten minutes of Dead or Alive(which is the craziest fucking thing I’ve ever seen).

Of course, ‘Merica has turned it’s back Crank: High Voltage, because sometimes things are just too awesome for people. Over one hundred million dollars was thrown into the new Transformers movie, yet I’m certain not a single moment will equal the sheer insane glee of Jason Statham, on fire, beating Clifton Collins Jr. to death, then screaming into the sky in triumphant fury. Someday, a boy will watch that scene and become a man. Then he’ll conquer the world(or show Crank: High Voltage to his friends).

Justin sent me a script a few months ago called Balls Out, a very funny riff on workplace comedies that was insane and thus
unfilmable. I mean, we have the means to make it, but not the guts. C: HV has guts and then some, making it the Balls Out
of action movies. Chev Chelios isn’t a good guy deep down, he’s actually a deeply traumatized person who handles just about every situation with extreme violence. And he has sex! In public! All the time! He feels no remorse, and he’s actually insanely self centered. When he extends sympathy at the death of his friend Kaylo, it’s less empathetic, more “Shit happens.” Chelios probably thinks Kaylo got off easy. He didn’t fall out of helicopter and live! I mean, why does Chev keep fighting and killing people? To keep himself alive, so he can continue to hurt and kill people, which he likes to do because he’s great at it. Chev Chelios is a man without regrets, and America, you can’t handle that. Rambo goes home at the end of Rambo, Chev Chelios can’t go home because it’s full of cunts(I assume he’d say this). Chev’s relationship with Eve is based around lies and sex, and that seems to be fine for both of them. Remember when Charlie Murphy called Rick James a “habitual line stepper”? Crank: High Voltage is the Rick James of movies.

Where a surprising film will zig when you think it will zag, Crank: High Voltage refuses to even acknowledge those terms, operating entirely from a set of rules that only it knows and has no interest in sharing. Godzilla fights, childhood flashbacks, Crank: High Voltage has no time for the “way things are supposed to be”. When you expect a zig or a zag, a man cuts off his nipples. Real Talk.

Crank: High Voltage sets a startling precedent for movies. Can you out-crazy Crank: High Voltage? Can you surprise like it? When you film your movie, will it make the extras shit blood(this is true!)? If not, then you haven’t come close. Arguments will be made that a truly great film engages ideas of personal sacrifice, the impact of choices in a person’s life and the hopes and dreams of a people. Sure. But have you ever watched Jason Statham drop kick a severed head?

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