Before I jump back into writing about movies and albums in ways besides list form, I thought I would ease into the ol’ bloggin’ rhythm by writing about a bunch of movie trailers I watched last night at two in the morning. Do these trailers pull off the hard work of making me want to see their dumb movie? Let us find out.
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON
The second Transformers movie is terrible but did have a pretty cool fight in a forest where Michael Bay held his shots for longer than a microsecond and it was kinda sorta great. That said, the rest of the movie was garbage and I have no reason to think DARK OF THE MOON will be otherwise. This trailer takes forever to forever to establish that NASA actually sent Neil and Buzz up there all those years ago to get Transformers samples. Since the other films already established that the Transformers have been around for forever and ever, how is this an interesting twist? Plus, I distinctly recall the Decepticons revealing their presence to the world in the last movie, so what does NASA knowing about Transformers in 1969 really mean at all? I GUESS WE’LL FIND OUT THIS JULY!
Verdict: I’ll let a kid at work tell me about it after he sees it
Hugh Jackman has been a movie star for ten years now. That was my first thought as this trailer began and when Hugh is shown yelling out the line “Let’s make some money!” I wondered, is that the kind of line an actor hopes to yell out when he’s “made it”? I mean, c’mon, Hugh has made it. He hosted the Oscars a couple years ago, he’s goddamn Wolverine and yet here he is in a very shitty looking movie about a boxing league for robots that hits all the same notes of a regular boxing movie and is thus forcing my brain to shut down. Clearly, there are two types of movie stars: your Leos and Brads who can do as many arty and interesting flicks as they like and your Hughs who are relatively big stars but have to spend years of their lives making fighting robot movies. Also the CGI is terrible.
I AM NUMBER FOUR
Olyphant is in this! (Hurray!) He’s relegated to being a side character that the ostensible hero will have to rescue (boo!). My first thought was Dark Angel meets Dark City (on account of the villain’s trench coats). These kids aren’t very interesting but like I said, Olyphant.
Verdict: I’ll let McCarty tell me about it after he sees it
Did you know that in November of 2010 the Vatican called together a bunch of priests and clergy to talk seriously about exorcisms? It was in the New York Times! Really, New York Times? Print is truly dead. Anyway, Rite would like you to believe that exorcisms are important and real and that one priest’s faith will be tested. I did like the part when a stray cat scares the priest and Anthony Hopkin’s uber priest asks, “Are you afraid of cats? Rome is infested with them. Don’t let them in my house.” DRAMATIC MUSIC CUE! Oh, I guess I also liked the part where a priest does an exorcism slide show for some weak stomached nuns. Shit was retarded.
Verdict: I’ll let an old woman at work tell me about how it was based on real events, so…
In. So fucking in. Along with bringing back everyone who isn’t dead, which includes Tyrese and Ludacris, the fifth Fast and the Furious movie has The Rock. With a goatee! And he warns his team to not let our heroes get into cars. Vin Diesel tells Paul Walker to stop thinking like a cop, Paul Walker looks sad that Vin doesn’t love him, and they jump off high ledges and onto and off of cars while being chased. Are you kidding? So. Fucking. In.
Verdict: Opening day
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES
This looks just as awful as the last two. The most pointless film franchise of all time. How many films do we need to establish the fact that Jack Sparrow is a cad with a heart of gold? So far, four. And Penelope Cruz looks like she needs a shower.
Verdict: Don’t tell me about it because I don’t fucking care
Zack Snyder’s 300 is overrated and Watchmen was fine but who wants to have their movie thought of as “fine”. His Dawn of the Dead rules. This is firmly in the wheelhouse of his more recent ventures but I can’t lie and say this doesn’t appeal to me on a very primal level of violence mixed with pretty ladies with swords. Plus, my old crush Jena Malone is in it. I would be most impressed if the end of this film was just like Jacob’s Ladder.
Verdict: I sat through KICK-ASS, and this looks better than that shitball.
WATER FOR ELEPHANTS
Christoph Waltz! Based on a beloved novel! Reese Witherspoon! Wait. Oh. Robert Pattinson is in this. Sorry you guys.
Verdict: If I flip by it on Encore Mystery one night in 2016.
TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT
They started with the song title and worked down from there. The blonde chick can get it, the fat guy is doing a Jack Black impression, and Topher Grace looks super sad y’all. And as my father likes to often mention, Eddie Money is TERRRRIBLE.
Verdict: Mila Kunis won.
THE TREE OF LIFE
I have only viewed two Terrence Malik films, Badlands which I liked a lot and The Thin Red Line which is boring. The Tree of Life trailer teases a potentially interesting story with Brad Pitt’s ill-advised parenting but if I’m following the narrative that Sean Penn is the kid all grown up, feeling sad and looking out windows, then I’ll probably skip this one. It does say something that at around two and half minutes Malik can still over do the nature shots. But what do I know, I’m excited for Fast Five. The Brad Pitt material looks promising and insightful but the work as a whole feels like a drag.
Verdict: Has the strong possibility of being boring.